Sometimes, the line between love and hate or passion and pain can feel as thin as a thread—especially if you've experienced trauma. The reasons for this are complex and varied, but here's the gist: researchers have found that when two strangers are put in a thrilling situation together—like a swinging bridge—they're more likely to feel attracted to each other than if they met somewhere mundane, like a park bench or the grocery store. Fear can deepen bonds in ways that go beyond the superficial, warm connections we typically imagine. These bonds can feel like heavy chains, tying you to someone even as you hold out your hands, asking to be tethered.
When Love Hurts More Than It Should
When a relationship involves repeated betrayals, fear, or trauma, it triggers your nervous system to stay on high alert. This can cause essential feelings like loneliness, sadness, and anger to shut down because your mind has learned that trying to communicate only leads to more pain. Over time, you may start to feel disconnected from yourself, unknowingly grieving parts of you that have gone dormant. You stop feeling things that were once easy to access because your focus narrows to one thing: keeping the relationship. Out of fear of losing this connection, you lose parts of yourself.
Love or Trauma Bonding?
Is it love or trauma bonding? Relationships are rarely that black and white, right or wrong. How do you distinguish between a love that hurts sometimes and a downright toxic connection? And what do you do when you realize that you can love someone and be trauma-bonded to them at the same time? That's where the real struggle lies.
Intimacy vs. Intensity
At its core, love pushes both people to grow; it's built on mutual respect and shared commitment. Intimacy drives this growth, creating a bond where both partners are willing to do what's best for the relationship, even if it means holding each other accountable or choosing discomfort over the easy way out. This kind of love requires courage, facing challenges head-on, and being willing to risk heartbreak for growth and connection.
Trauma bonds, on the other hand, thrive on intensity. They often involve one person playing the role of victim and the other as the aggressor, with fear and heightened emotions getting mixed up with passion. In these relationships, commitment is unpredictable—one person leans in while the other leans out, with threats of abandonment or betrayal always lurking. This inconsistency hooks you in as moments of conflict and pain are sprinkled with just enough sweetness and fun to keep you hanging on. Over time, this pattern becomes an addiction, and you lose the ability to choose whether to stay or go, finding yourself trapped in a relationship that damages your health, freedom, and happiness.
Learn To Tell The Difference
Recognizing the signs of trauma bonding versus genuine love is crucial, but it's not enough on its own. Many of us know deep down that being on that emotional rollercoaster is harmful, but it can still be hard to let go. Research has shown that being in a high-conflict, lonely relationship can be worse for your health than smoking. This kind of loneliness, especially when you're close to someone who remains emotionally distant, can be uniquely painful, leaving you feeling isolated and disconnected from the peace and comfort that relationships are supposed to provide.
Acknowledge and Educate Yourself
Coming to terms with the fact that you're trauma-bonded to someone you love can be incredibly painful. It's often filled with shame, confusion, and the looming fear of what comes next. But healing is possible, even if it's a long road. No amount of trauma therapy will help if you don't address the core issue of trauma bonding. Thankfully, there are many great resources out there to help you understand and work through this, like "Betrayal Bonds" by Patrick Carnes, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown.
Change Your Perspective
It's essential to shift your perspective and understand that good or bad bonds are inherently neutral. They evolved to help us connect and survive, serving as a physical and psychological footprint of our desire to love and be loved. Nothing can change that fundamental truth despite everything that might have gone wrong.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
Making room for grief is a key part of breaking free from trauma bonds. Grieving can feel contradictory and unpleasant, but it's necessary because grief is tied to acceptance. Acceptance is about dealing with reality—not the relationship you wished for, but the one you're in. Even if the relationship continues, it will change, and you need to grieve the loss of what you thought it was or what you hoped it would be. This process can be painful, but it's also the pathway to healthier connections in the future.
Embrace Change and Growth
Remember, we have many relationships throughout our lives—sometimes with the same person, sometimes with different people. As challenging as this concept might be, it's inherently hopeful. It means we have the ability to change, heal, and grow. With dedication, patience, and the right support from our relationship counsellors in London, we can free ourselves from trauma bonds, form secure attachments, and learn to love in a healthy and fulfilling way.
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